A compromise of my own identity

As much as I want to change who I am or what I've become I really don't see it happening. At least not this and I fear maybe not ever. I've spent the last 10 or so years of my life like this. It has become my shell. My protection. My weakness. And worse of all my biggest mistake.

When I look back in my childhood, I can never see any happy memories. All I see is fear, violence and the disappointment I've been to others. Especially towards my own family.

And because of this, I've faked my identity. I've lied to myself so much that this identity is really who I am now. But in the end when I sit in bed, all alone with no one else but my own thoughts I know this isn't me. This isn't the person I wanted to become, rather this is the person I had to become to keep myself from getting hurt. This shell.

I don't trust anyone one because the truth is I have no faith in people any more. All I really see when I meet someone is their dark side. I can't make friends on the spot. I have to psychoanalysis them and stereotype them to see how much damage they're capable of. When I can't I sit back and just watch, waiting until I can. For me this is second nature, I can't help it, it's become a basic instinct for me.

When I run situations through my head I don't think of the possibilities it holds for me, I think of how it can go wrong and what can I do to fix it. This is how I view the world, pessimistic.I always have. This is why I have insecurities. For me having a little faith feels none existent because every time I do I let myself down.

So please understand where I'm coming from, it's not easy being me because the reality is I don't even know who 'me' is. I've always been confused it's just some days it shows other days it doesn't because my shell is working.

-- Post From My iPhone