I really need to stop sleeping in the arvos
really messea with my sleep patterns
diu


-- Post From My iPhone

Trust issues

I really really do have trust issues. I find it hard to trust anyone i don't know well enough to predict their next move in any situation. I can walk up to a stranger and start a conversation fine but when it comes to someone talking to me out of the blue my mind hits thr over drive button and starts waning to take control of the situation by any means neccessary. my god... Have i become a control freak without realising it?


-- Post From My iPhone

NO NO NO NO WTF NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .. how gay

FUCK!
no dragonskin! no 3 day hike in freezing conditions ... no getting busted for suspected alcohol drinking xD... no doing shit thats overnight and scout related T__________T

man wtf is this sif have tutoring on easter holidays!

gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

on the other hand i met alice's little brother yesterday, funny kid. He wanted to take the elevator up to the 2nd floor of the library so i played along and jst as the door was about to close... i ran out but that kid is fast too man ... started hitting me and all as we walked up the stairs. Later on he had to go toilet and forced me to go with him ==', refused to let me stay out side cause he thought i would dog him .. again xD. Cool kid though, got invited to his birthday chyeahhhhh

sigh.. exams are coming up soon with nothing to do but study my brains to death i guess....

note to future self: If something goes wrong and the shit hits the roof, ALWAYS think back, know where you went wrong then try to fix it. If you still get the same results, theres no point to it; its a lost cause. No such thing as third time lucky for lil patty i guess

anyways back to swearing and whinging, Damn it no more camps T_T, no more hikes, No more kayaking.

Cant wait the the HSC is over get to go back to old me =D, old, crazed adrenalined pumped and ODed me.

i love me; specifically old me =)

PS if you guys ever look back at the year 12 muck up photos of sefton 09 ( thats if they get accepted by the school) then look for a guy in a white mask with black lense on the top row.

another turn ...

My life is extremely wierd...
last week has been a good week for me, the first in a while actually. Even with the Modern history in class essay.

On Saturday i called in a favour and got Gary to drive me to Action Paintball so i could get my gear. Turns out Gary has a really good car, nice smooth but quiet one hour drive to the place. Bought my gear, some what disappointed that they didnt have my pack/harness in sizes S/M, so i had to grab a L/XL. It's not really a problem i guess.. just gotta either modify it myself or grow a few more inches in the waist T___T.

The Empire E-Vents are the best man. Looks insanely awesome. Breathing in these things are great, very comfortable and just feels so good to have them on.

Can't wait to the next paintball game. i'm going to stand out like a fox among sheeps =D

get drunk and fuck the world

gotta love it when you drink every night and spend your morning trying to get over the hang overs and the shit out of your system.
might not be healthy but hell fuck it, atleast i forget about the shit around me so it compensates.

=='

i really wish i was independent like i was a few years back, no need to rely on friends, family or anyone.
it's easier to rely on myself, i know my limits and in that i know my outcomes. The moment i rely on other people it adds more factors into my life. more trouble. more unseen paths.
i'm not saying i dont appreciate the help people give me , i'm just saying i need to become independent again and only rely on people as a last resort.

all i want to do now is sleep and forget. but i cant so i spend more time during the day sleeping and stay away during the night still trying to sort out my feelings and how i'm going to fake my way through the next day. fake that im okay and im over it. fake that it's really me that you see.

in life it's easier to fake you way thru it then to go against the current i guess.

Save some face, you know you've only got one

Some times in life, no matter what you do , how good you are, how you go on doing your shit, life will just fuck with you for the fun of it.

Shirley and I broke up. FULLSTOP i don't want to fucking talk about it.

For all those asking , " how are you?" I'm fucking FINE! I'm fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.

I'm pissed off with the fact that you didn't even say sorry
that you didn't even give me an explaination
that you left me with a massive mess that i had to clean up all by my fucking self
that you'll go on life like as if nothing fucking happened and expect me to do the same
that you think you know how i feel, FACE THE FACTS YOU DONT
that you said yes when you didn't mean it
that you lied when you could've just said the truth
that you knew what had happened to me and yet you still did the same thing
that i'm the one that tried and pushed on even when people said it wouldnt work
that i'm the one taking shit for what went down
that once again no one will know the whole story and i'll take the blame because its me
that you gave me hope

Fuck it , you know , in the end i'm the one that cleans up the mess, not you. I'm the one that has to walk thru the group of people staring and saying shit behind my back because they think i dont know i can hear them.

The faster people stop talking about it , the faster any connection to you for me will die with it and when it's gone don't expect me to treat you the same way, whether we were in the relationship or not.

It's funny i actually thought you could've helped me out of everyone ... guess i was fucking wrong. Because to me you were the fucking magic that hid away my own problems. But now you're fucking gone , i've returned to my fucked up reality. I go home to fucking abuse and non stop screaming , i go to school to face people who think im some agro physcopath, i walk the streets where people look down on me until i prove them wrong. So when you've dealt with that for the last 12 years of your life , maybe you'll fucking understand why you were so fucking important to me.

and for fuck sake girls, dont like a guy ? DONT FUCKING SAY YES AND HOPE IT WILL TURN OUT RIGHT! IT WILL NEVER FUCKING WILL.
If theres ever one thing a girl should never do to a guy, its fuck with his emotions, just cause we're guys doesnt mean we dont have them. You fuck with them and its either a complete vendetta against you or its end of whatever relationship you will ever have with them. Because once something's broken it can never be made whole, there are always the chips and cracks left behind.

SO WHEN YOUR FUCKING READY TO EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE FUCK EXACTLY HAPPENED BETWEEN US FORGET ANY THOUGHTS OF US EVER BEING FUCKING FRIENDS OR ANYTHING BECAUSE UNTIL THEN YOU DONT EXIST TO ME.