I signed up for ADFA yesterday. My interview is in a months time. So in a month I have to tank up, study and know the courses/jobs I'm applying for back to front. It's going to be a long month for me. I walked yesterday for ~40 minutes and jogged 3 kms today. My cardio really sucks.

I feel so wasted. So tired and so out of this world at the moment, it's so hard to focus on anything.

Tina told me something about S that she really shouldn't have. I'm trying really hard to break any connection with S but I need the people around me to support me and make sure I stay focus on what's ahead rather than behind me. So please if anyone I'm close to reads this, refrain from mentioning S around me. Thank you

I got M.History marks back yesterday, passed but stil under 70%. I got highest in one but and pretty good in another 2 bits that were essays so I'm grateful for those marks considering how out of it I was at the time of taking them.

Never dwell, only look forward or you'll forever stay stuck in the past.

-- Post From My iPhone

FML

I found this new girl but she's friends with a girl I used to like in primary. This girl's friend has this grudge against me and probably hates me with a passion. What did I do? nothing except like her in primary. In return for liking her she shot me down, destroyed my sense of self esteem and self worth, all in time for the start of high school.

So now I can't even go for this new girl cause of my past. FML


-- Post From My iPhone

Movies i want to watch

- Fighting

- The Taking of Pelham 123

- Inglourious Basterd

- My Sisters Keeper

- Gi Joe: Rise of Cobra

- Public Enemies

- Up

add more as time goes...

i see you and nothing

it feels good to know that at the sound of your name, the sight of you being happy doesn't make me skip a whole heart beat anymore, I'll just skip half.

the emptiness inside me shows but I'll never let anyone see it. especially not you.


-- Post From My iPhone

one step forward only to be pushed two step back

Everyday i try my best to move on. To stop thinking about you. To stop reminiscing about our happy moments. But every time i get somewhere you push me back further.

You say you'll give me space. i feel as if im suffocating.

You say its for the best, i agree. Yet my heart doesnt.

The truth is i don't know whether your doing this to torment me or because you have no idea. But i really hope it is the latter. I hold my own tongue because its the 'mature' thing to do. But i can see the judgement in everyone else's eyes. I will always be the bad guy in our relationship. always.

Between us there are so many unanswered questions. i dont know whether to demand an answer or just let it slip. im afraid of the answer yet im also afraid of the doubt that eats away at me every moment i think about these questions.

I'll admit i used you. used you to colour up my own dark world. It was easier to ignore all shit from people when i was with you.

Everyone, even you, say its all in my head, but thats the thing are you in my head? can you see what people do when it comes to me? can you see how they treat me? no. You have no idea how i feel when people treat me like shit and get away with it. my self esteem was already shot down. now it is just none existance. I cant feel a sense of self worth because im always being looked down upon. Constantly. It never stops. I cant hide, i cant run from it. It will always be there.

the truth is i want to die. sucide feels like an easier path right now. i want all this shit to stop. everything. i cant handle it any more. ive done nothing wrong. why is it my burden to carry. please someone. anyone. end it for me. i cant keep doing this. it just hurts too much.

im sorry i feel this way but the fact is when youre invisible to everyone but just a few, your life is shot down. and i really cant do this any more. i cant live . i dont want to.

A compromise of my own identity

As much as I want to change who I am or what I've become I really don't see it happening. At least not this and I fear maybe not ever. I've spent the last 10 or so years of my life like this. It has become my shell. My protection. My weakness. And worse of all my biggest mistake.

When I look back in my childhood, I can never see any happy memories. All I see is fear, violence and the disappointment I've been to others. Especially towards my own family.

And because of this, I've faked my identity. I've lied to myself so much that this identity is really who I am now. But in the end when I sit in bed, all alone with no one else but my own thoughts I know this isn't me. This isn't the person I wanted to become, rather this is the person I had to become to keep myself from getting hurt. This shell.

I don't trust anyone one because the truth is I have no faith in people any more. All I really see when I meet someone is their dark side. I can't make friends on the spot. I have to psychoanalysis them and stereotype them to see how much damage they're capable of. When I can't I sit back and just watch, waiting until I can. For me this is second nature, I can't help it, it's become a basic instinct for me.

When I run situations through my head I don't think of the possibilities it holds for me, I think of how it can go wrong and what can I do to fix it. This is how I view the world, pessimistic.I always have. This is why I have insecurities. For me having a little faith feels none existent because every time I do I let myself down.

So please understand where I'm coming from, it's not easy being me because the reality is I don't even know who 'me' is. I've always been confused it's just some days it shows other days it doesn't because my shell is working.

-- Post From My iPhone

I'm sorry

I really am.

-- Post From My iPhone