oh i forgot

Oh on friday we won our student vs teacher volleyball match. 2 sets to 0. First win for the student.
Highlights:
a lot of 'deucing'
david spiked a ball at Mr O and probably made him drop his nuts
danny pulled off great serves and blocks against teachers
kelvin won us the second set with his excellent serving.
i managed to do a back court spike but still screwed up quite a few times.
kenny jumped served us
alot of taunting and 'bad sportmanship' from the students against the teacher.

overall good game and good end to the final week A

with all emotions set aside, in a whisper say goodbye

Stephanie Tang, i really hope you do read this one day. Preferably sooner then later.

One of the consequences of joining the Australian Defence Force and attending the Australian Defence Force Academy is the potential to die in combat or even training, another consequence of this choice in life is the fact that i would have to move Canberra in order to attend the Academy. This is something i have come to understand and accepted.

However i understand it may be difficult for some of my close friends and "family" (i really do consider some of you guys family, even though we have no blood relation) to understand and accept this. I first realised this when Alice confronted me and said "I don't want you to join ADF, i don't want you to die". This does mean a lot to me Alice, you were the first person to say this to me and because it came from you, it does make me realise what i am leaving behind when i leave. Hanny also admit this when recounted Alice's story and Steph, well you pretty much freaked when i told you.

But when it comes down to facts, I have yet to be accepted by ADFA so i am not moving to Canberra yet. But if i do get accepted and offered a position, make no mistake i will take it up without a second thought. So please do not tell me to not go to Canberra, don't make it any harder than it has to be for me. If you have to say anything, support me. Say please dont die. Please take care. Say we will always be here for you.

There is a very good reason why i want to go to ADFA so badly. Other than the obvious financial reasons. There has always beeen prejudice against me for as long as i can remember. If i move to Canberra, this is my chance to start over, to make a fresh start. I can't keep going on with all this passive hatred against me, ive suffered 12 years of it already. So dont ask me to stay cause i wont, dont ask me not to go cause i will. If i am going to stay, it will have to be just more than because of you. While you are important to me, i cant stay just because of that. So please dont ask me to.

Ups and Downs of my oh so lovely life

Lately its been one good day followed by a bad day. Well at least it was for last week. This week its been such a downer. I've even considered burning a few bridges as the end for my high school life approaches. More often i find myself irritated by the little things that i once looked past in people. Right now my promise to Hanny is the rope that prevents me in doing so and for my sake i hope shes right. Even things at home are taking a turn for the worse, screaming and complaining everyday, it makes me wonder how the hell did i manage to stay here after all these years. Right now i wish i could go to Brisbane like Hanny is tomorrow and come back with a clean slate for my HSC but i can't. Instead i have to wait a week or so for my camp and i can come back fresh and clear. Yesterday i got my ATAR estimate back, 85. It's higher then i expected but it gives me hope that i can achieve a 90 if i really knuckle down in these weeks i have left till dooms day.

Also something stranged happened, a dust storm. Woke up to a sky of red and orange fog. People say its coming back...
Volleyball game tomorrow, lets hope for the best and prepare for the worse right?

it's fun to socialise

Even though it was only scout party and there were only a few kids around my age, i still had fun at the party yesterday. Other than making the bad choice to sleep only a few hours on Friday which resulted in glare in my eyes, it was an alright party. HERES TO STEPHANIE TU! CHEERS FOR THE FREE FOOD, ENTERTAINMENT AND GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

It makes me happy to know that even after all these woeful events in my life recently, life does go on and there are other people out there in this life to have fun with, to torment, to just get along with. There is a light, you just have to want it enough.

i expected better, especially from you guys

I've always been the one who had your back after all these years. I've always been the one willing to take the blame and clean up your mess . I've always tried my best to give you my honest opinion, my advice and my help whether or not you thought you needed it or not.

I didn't HAVE to do these things, I CHOSE to. Why? because we're friends.

Lately I've noticed that you guys have this "can't be fucked" attitude or even a "we're so shit, we'll never win" attitude. I am actually for once extremely disappointed in you guys for this. I've known you guys for atleast 4 years and I've never seen this attitude from you guys, ever. That was my attitude, that was me not you guys. I was the one that cut myself in year 9, I was the one who always saw the cloud before its silver lining. You guys were the one that pulled me out of that darkness and yet you guys now walk towards it? WHY? I don't understand this massive change in direction, especially because this is our last year together, as a group , as Blue406. I thought we were going to embrace the good moments, look past the bad and hurt that's happened between us. What is going on? What brought upon this attitude?

There a few things that you guys don't know about me because the truth is i could probably never admit it face to face, my pride gets in my way and this is one of them.
After the Trials, I've been relying on you guys for moral and spirit support. My break up with S, left me lost, left me alone like never before so i turned to you guys, my friends. When you guys say we can do it, we can do anything or anything similar to this, I believe it. I believe we can achieve anything if we just try, if we're determined enough, if we're persistent enough. I'll believe anything that comes from you guys cause right now its all that i have left to cling on. So when you guys start having that "can't be fucked" or "don't try because we're going to lose anyway" attitude, I swear a little of me dies inside. I swear I feel like killing myself right then and there because it feels like everything else I'll do in life will be a failure, will result in nothing. I swear I feel like I am worth nothing to anyone. Every time you guys give me this attitude I try my best to convince you its not like so, but in the end more and more of you seem to give up as time goes by.

But right now I'm sick of this bullshit attitude. I'm done trying to convince you. I'm done trying to save you all, when you guys don't want the help. I'm done. From now on I won't let you drag me down. I will not let you hold me back. I will do things for myself and only myself. If you want to be saved or helped then i will help but other than that forget it. It's just not my problem anymore. It is up to me to help myself, i never should have relied on you. I should have known better and now that i do, it will never happen again. I promise you that. I shall be selfish. That i promise.

I'm not sorry

I'm not sorry for everything that happened between us. And why the hell should i be? YOU were the one who broke up with me the first time we dated. YOU were the reason why i could never get over the doubts. YOU were the one who couldnt get your feelings sorted out for me. YOU were the one who didn't say a thing when things started to go downhill. I held on for YOU, not for myself and certainly not for US. I could have turned away and started a new clean relationship with another girl when i wanted to but i thought of you first, i thought of the aftermaths it would've had for you, i thought of how the grass is always greener on the other side but in the end loyalty meant more to me than anything else in the world so i stuck by my principles and stuck by YOU.

YOU expect me to be mature about this and be YOUR friend but the truth is I CAN'T, I NEVER WILL BE ABLE TO and MOST IMPORTANTLY I NEVER EVER WANT TO. How can i be friend with a person who broke my heart 3 times and didn't ever think twice about it? YOU should have known better, that it all did affect me and yet you couldn't see it could you? Cause YOU were always so NAIVE, so IGNORANT to see past my actions and its reasons in the relationship.

I can't believe I gave YOU a third chance, I should have known better. I should have done better. I should have thought it through. I can't believe i turned down the other girl for YOU and yet when the bump came YOU couldn't even pull together the strength to get over it. YOU are seriously PATHETIC, SELFISH and SHALLOW.

SO yes I am NOT SORRY for how shit went down. I am not sorry about US. YOU FUCKED IT UP FROM THE START AND YOU EXPECTED ME TO BE OKAY WITH IT, SERIOUSLY GET REAL.

I pity the next guy you date, i really do.

It's been a very eventful day

Even with my healing ankle my days are so eventful and never a bore which is good because it prevents me thinking back, and dwelling on you.

A late morning start with wake up at 7:50 am. Sigh I'm going to miss these late wake ups if i get shipped off to ADFA in Canberra. Went to school, brought along my NFL ball, "pigskin". I just love the way i grip the ball and pretend to throw it around like a little American Jock. It keeps my mind and hands busy so i don't get bored. I talked to Stephanie this morning about her social problems and hows shes going to deal with them as year 12 approaches. It would seem life for a girl is full of bitching, whinging and little problems that can be solved with a compromised.

First period was Maths, continuing on the topic Binomial. Thank god i scratched up on that the day before. Was a fun and productive lesson with taunts and patronization thrown between Tina and I.

Lately I've been thinking about the ethics behind my actions or my choices in life and it would be a wise to makea few changes if I am to be an adult next year. Taking the responsibilities that follow the power. No more careless swearing. No more going for girls that are taken and accidentally breaking up their relationship ( Here's to you Huiy for showing me persistance is all i need (Y) ). So yes following the few weeks there will be a new Patrick, a better Patrick, a stronger Patrick.

Physics was yet another dud, Modern history was more enjoying however. Discussions on US atomic bombings on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Lunch time, Meet up at the front to see who is coming over and playing RockBand. Saleh takes my pigskin and throws it. Noone to catch it so it soars through the air and hits Jessica Ong on the head. Man that must've hurt... NFL balls arent soft...

Anyways back to RockBand. Kelvin, Vincent, Mark, Stephen, Lester, Tina, Vy, Dalena. Jennifer, Jason and Jimmy come over to play. Everyone plays or sing atleast once except for Jennifer and Jason who were sitting away from the group and Dalena who's unwilling to sing nor play cause she doesn't know how to. Thats not an excuse man, if you don't know you just give it a shot and play. It's all a bit of fun. sit back and laugh about it later on. No bitching bout it.

Cant wait for Graduation day, i'll hold a night Rock Band party =D